How to Kill a Cockroach Final

(goto: "Beginning") (set: $parking to 0) (set: $dishes to 0) (set: $heat to 0) (set: $garbage to 0) (set: $coffeemug to (either: "the white one with the red mustache that says 'Staching through the snow'", "the yellow one that reads 'It is what it is", "the teacup style one that reads 'I love you to the moon and back'")) (set: $scurries to 0) (set: $killed to 0) (set: $shower to 0)

The resounding sound of the buzzer on your (link: "alarm")[ alarm *- which you bought at Wal-Mart with the remaining ten dollars from last week's paycheck to help prevent your oversleeping on a regular basis -*] pulls you out of your deep slumber. The neon-blue numbers read (text-color: blue)[5:30]. You've been telling yourself all weekend that you would do better this week. You've been saying you'd wake up earlier, get all of your homework done and sleep for eight hours every night. [[Of course, you know this isn't a reality.|Snooze or Awake]]

Shit... You got lost in thought. It's Monday, at (text-color: blue)[5:32] in the morning, and you already wish this day would end. As you re-focus your mind, you acknowledge that the stupid alarm is still blaring. It's now or never. You can't just let the thing keep going off because your roommate will be pissed if it wakes her up. *The real question is, do you actually have time to sleep in?* Are you going to [[get up|Out of Bed]] or [[reset it for 5:45|Reset]].

(set: $parking to $parking - 1)(goto: "Five More")

You lean up and let your blankets fall to your waist. Instantly, the cold air slamming into your bare arms sends shivers down your spine. You reach over the end of the black cast-iron bed and (link: "reset the clock.")[ reset the clock *- because, you know, you didn't have enough money to buy the one with the snooze function.*] You lay back down and pull your comforter to your chin. [[*Five more minutes...*|Five More]]

(if: $parking is -1)[You glance at the digital clock again and see that it reads (text-color: blue)[5:35]. It's time to get up. As you toss your legs over the edge of the bed, you feel the (link: "chill")[ chill, *which feels like tiny little needles stabbing your skin,*] wrap around your legs like a frigid blanket.](if: $parking is 0)[Again, you are startled awake by the bellowing sound of your cheap alarm clock. The tiny screen reads (text-color: "blue")[5:45]. It's time to get up. As you toss your legs over the edge of the bed, you feel the (link: "chill")[ chill, *that originally only reached your arms,*] wrap around your legs like a frigid blanket.] Now, do you [[shower|First Shower]] or [[make your coffee|First Coffee]] first?

(set: $shower to it + 1)You decide that taking a shower will wake you up out of this weird daze you're in. It's a bit chilly as you enter the (link: "bathroom,")[ bathroom *- which is connected to your bedroom,*] but you decide a refreshing shower is an urgent need. After your washed and dressed, your still pretty cold. Do you [[turn on the heat|Heat On]] or just [[deal with the chill|Heat Off]]?

As amazing as a shower sounds right now, it's probably best if you have a cup of (link: "luke-warm")[ luke-warm*, since you can't stand scalding hot,*] coffee waiting on your bathroom sink when you get out. As you open the bedroom door, you feel a full gust of freezing air surround you. As much as you'd like to blame your roommate for the heat being low, you know you were probably the culprit. It's your choice. Do you [[turn up the heat|Heat On]] or [[leave it be|Heat Off]]?

You decide it's best to turn on the heat right away.(if: $shower is 0)[You can't stand getting out of the shower and dealing with the cold air from the vent that distributes air right next to your shower.] (set: $heat to it + 1) [[Afterwards, you go into the kitchen.|Kitchen]]

You think about how you wanted to straighten your hair today and know better than to turn the heat on beforehand, since the vent is right next to your bathroom sink. (set: $heat to it + 0) [[You step into the kitchen.|Kitchen]]

(if: $heat is 0)[(set: $parking to it + 1)After your light blue straightner warms up, you run the blade through the frizzy mess that seems to have mounted itself onto the back of your head. After you finish turning frizz to shine, you must decide if you are [[going to take the garbage out]] or [[not]].] (if: $heat is 1)[You pull the straightner through one chunk of hair before you realize that it's to fricken hot. You decide that you should have left the heat off. You unplug the straightner and double check your reflection in the mirror. You toss your hair into a messy braid and give up on straightening. Now you must decide if you are [[going to take the garbage out]] or [[not]].]

It takes about three seconds for the images in the kitchen to register in your mind. From the (link: "garbage")[ garbage* - (link: "a full can")[ a full can of trash (link: "next to")[ next to a full bag of garbage (link: "to the left of")[ to the left of a full recycling can (link: "in front of")[ in front of a bunch of folded up boxes that lean against the wall]]]]-*] to the (link: "dishes")[ dishes *(piled in the sink, even though you swear you washed them before you went to bed last night)*], the place is a total disaster. Where do you even begin? Should you [[wash the dishes|Wash Dishes]] while you are waiting for your coffee to brew or [[just leave them there|Leave Dishes]] for your roommate to deal with? *You have been seeing quite a few bugs lately.*

Before you start, you grab a K-Cup from the basket on the shelf over the sink and drop it into your (link: "Keurig.")[ Keurig*, which your parents bought you when you moved into your new apartment. Your life isn't really bad, except on Monday mornings. *] Then you take one of your favorite (link: "coffee mugs")[ coffee mugs, *$coffeemug*,] out of the cupboard. After pouring a splash of chocolate-caramel creamer into the mug, you place it in your Keurig and hit <b>Brew</b>. As you listen to the sound of the single stream of coffee pouring into your cup, you scrub the dishes in the sink. You may have been over reacting, but these three dishes will slow you down a couple minutes. That's when you see it. [[The cockroach.|Cockroach]] (set: $dishes to it + 1) (set: $parking to it + 1)

Upon closer investigation of the dirty pile of dishes in the sink, you decide it's your roommates responsibility to wash her own dishes. You didn't use them, so they aren't your problem. You grab a K-Cup from the basket on the shelf over the sink and drop it into your (link: "Keurig.")[ Keurig*, which your parents bought you when you moved into your new apartment. Your life isn't really bad, except on Monday mornings. *] Then you take one of your favorite (link: "coffee mugs")[ coffee mugs, *$coffeecup*,] out of the cupboard. After pouring a splash of chocolate-caramel creamer into the mug, you place it in your Keurig and hit <b>Brew</b>. You glance around the kitchen again and decide that you'll deal with the trash in a little bit. (if: $shower is 0)[The steady stream of coffee comes to a halt and you reach for your mug, then head to the (link: "bathroom")[ bathroom, *which is connected to your bedroom,*] to [[shower]].] (if: $shower is 1)[You decide to [[sit down|sitting down]] and savor your coffee.] (set: $parking to it - 1)

A gross little thing, really. It scurries along the edge of your counter, towards the wall, hiding behind various shadows as it goes. The worst part is, your apartment is always clean. Therefore, like all other apartment inhabitants, the insects that grace your presence are determined by your neighbors. In front of you, there are three different items you can use to kill the nasty bug. Will you kill it with a [[piece of paper towel]], [[the dirty butter knife in the sink]], or [[your bare hands]]? Of course, you could always [[just let him go]].

(if: $scurries is "8")[(goto: "bare hands to paper towel")(if: $scurries is "5")[(goto: "butter knife to paper towel")]] (else:)[(set: $scurries to (either: "1", "2", "3"))[(goto: "paper towel Codes")]]

(if: $scurries is "8")[(goto: "bare hands to butter knife")] (if: $scurries is "2")[(goto: "Papwertowel to butter knife")] (else:)[(goto: "butter knife Codes")]

(if: $scurries is "2")[(goto: "paper towel to bare hands")] (if: $scurries is "5")[(goto: "butter knife to bare hands")] (else:)[(goto: "bare hands Codes")]

(if: $scurries is 1)[After careful consideration, you decide to throw him, and the paper towel, in the toilet in your (link: "bathroom.")[ bathroom, *which is connected to your bedroom.*]] After you flush him, you go back out to the kitchen and finish the dishes. (if: $shower is 0)[Then you grab your coffee and set it on the (link: "bathroom.")[ bathroom, *which is connected to your bedroom.*]] sink before you [[shower]].](if: $shower is 1)[Afterwards, as you drink your coffee, you try to decide if you just want to leave the garbage where it is or take it (link: "outside.")[ outside, *since it is garbage day.*]]

(if: $scurries is 1)[After careful consideration, you decide to toss him into the trash. Honestly, he's dead and he isn't going to come back to life, right?] After you flush him, you go back out to the kitchen and finish the dishes.(if: $shower is 0)[Then you grab your coffee and set it on the bathroom sink before you [[shower]].](if: $shower is 1)[Afterwards, as you drink your coffee, you try to decide if you just want to leave the garbage where it is or take it (link: "outside.")[ outside, *since it is garbage day.*]]

(if: $killed is 0)[(set: $shower to it + 1)[As you climb in the shower, you start to relax and let the thoughts of disaster in the kitchen fade away for a moment. Everything in this apartment is not your responsibility. As you climb out of the shower, you grab the (link: "toothpaste")[ toothpaste. *You can vividly recall the day you bought this "organic" paste. It was on sale at the grocery store you used to work at.*] and your toothbrush. As you feel the bristles polishing your teeth, you decide you definitely want to [[straighten your hair today|Straighten Hair]].]] (if: $killed is 1)[(set: $shower to it + 1)[Although you are sad that you didn't kill the annoying little cockroach, you are relieved that you finished the dishes. Slightly defeated, you wander into to the bathroom and start the shower. You climb in and can't get enough of the (link: "hot water pounding on your back.")[ hot water pounding on your back. *It's wonderful how - every time you take a long, steamy shower - your sinuses loosen up and you feel so much more refreshed.*] Then you climb out and brush your teeth with your favorite (link: "toothpaste.")[ toothpaste. *You can vividly recall the day you bought this "organic" paste. It was on sale at the grocery store you used to work at.*] Now it's time to [[straighten the frizz|Straighten Hair]] attached to your head, which some people might call hair.]] (if: $killed is 2)[(set: $shower to it + 1)Victorious, you go into your bathroom and shower quickly, before you brush your teeth. All you really know is that, on a wonderful Monday like today, you want [[straight hair|Straighten Hair]].]

(if: $shower is 1)[Luckily for the cockroach, your feeling (link: "generous")[ generous *- or maybe lazy would be the better term -*] today. You let him go, quickly finish washing the dishes and grab your coffee before [[sitting down]] at the table to thoroughly enjoy its flavor.] (if: $shower is 0)[Too exhausted to give a damn about an insect in the apartment you don't even own, you let the cockroach escape. You casually finish washing the dishes, grab your mug of fresh coffee and venture into your (link: "bathroom")[ bathroom, *which is connected to your bedroom,*] to [[shower]].]

As you sit at the table, you contemplate whether or not the garbage really needs to go out today. You don't really have that much and, when you put it in the garage, it'll be relatively cold and, consequently, it won't smell *that bad*. On the other hand, it's garbage day today and, if you take it out, you won't have to deal with getting it to the dumpster later this week. Will you [[take out the garbage]] or just [[leave it be]]?

(set: $killed to it + 1)Thinking fast, you grab a slip of paper towel and catch the cockroach before he realizes your determination to hunt him down. As you feel him crunch between your thumb and forefinger, you know you are victorious. All you have to decide is whether you [[flush him down the toilet|Toilet]] or [[toss him in the trash|Trash]]?](else:)[You quickly tear a sheet of paper towel off of the spool sitting next to the (link: "fruit basket")[ fruit basket. *It's weird, but when you hang your bananas on the attached hook, they really do stay fresh longer.*] Now to find the cockroach. You see him resting in the shadow behind the dish soap. As quickly as you can, you slam your hand down.]

Just as your hand makes contact with the counter, you see the cockroach scurry to the next shadow located right behind the container of Christmas cookies you baked last Monday. Obviously, the paper towel method is not going to work. Now to try the [[butter knife|the dirty butter knife in the sink]] or [[your bare hands]].

(set: $killed to it + 1)You hear the sickening crunch as you manage to squeeze the little fucker between your thumb and forefinger. You know there are probably more where he came from, but you killed this one. Maybe his cronies will be wise enough to stay out of your kitchen. Should you [[flush him down the toilet|Toilet]] or [[toss him in the trash|Trash]]?

(set: $killed to it + 1)Just as your bare palm meets the counter, you see the cockroach scurry on to the next shadow. Sighing with frustration, you quickly evaluate the given situation. Obviously, the bare hand method is not going to work. Now to try using a [[piece of paper towel]] or [[the dirty butter knife in the sink]].

(if: $scurries is "1")[(goto: "paper towel Killed")](set: $killed to it + 1) (if: $scurries is "2")[(goto: "paper towel Try Again")] (if: $scurries is "3")[(goto: "paper towel Missed")]

(set: $killed to it + 1)Never taking your eyes off of the cockroach, you grab the (link: "dirty")[ dirty *- touching it makes your skin crawl -*] butter knife in the sink. Before he has a chance to run, you crush the little bug with the rigid blade of the butter knife. As you watch it's guts encompass the knife, you smile in victory and toss the butter knife back into the sink of dirty dishes.(if: $shower is 0)[After you finish washing the dishes, you decide it is finally time to go take a [[shower]].]](if: $shower is 1)[After finishing the dishes, you sit down [[sitting down]] and drink your coffee, all the while trying to decide if you just want to leave the garbage where it is or take it (link: "outside.")[ outside, *since it is garbage day.*]]

(set: $killed to it + 1)Never letting your eyes wander from the cockroach, you grab for the butter knife in the sink. You lift the knife up and slice it (link: "down.")[down, *praying it doesn't scratch the counter.*] You see the cockroaches guts engulf the rigid blade of the knife. Then you lift the butter knife, ensuring the cockroach is still attached, and scrub it clean, watching the decapitated little fucker circle the drain. (if: $shower is 0)[After you finish washing the dishes, you decide it is finally time to go take a [[shower]].](if: $shower is 1)[After finishing the dishes, you sit down [[sitting down]] and drink your coffee, all the while trying to decide if you just want to leave the garbage where it is or take it (link: "outside.")[ outside, *since it is garbage day.*]]

(set: $scurries to (either: "4", "5", "6"))(set: $killed to it + 1) (if: $scurries is "4")[(goto: "butter knife Killed")] (if: $scurries is "5")[(goto: "butter knife Try Again")] (if: $scurries is "6")[(goto: "butter knife Missed")]

(set: $killed to it + 1)Instinctively, you reach down for the butter knife that is laying in the sink. As soon as you pick it up, you feel how slimy and greasy it truly is. Disgusted, you want to drop it, but if you're going to kill the cockroach, it's now or never. Now to find the cockroach. You see him resting in the shadow behind the dish soap. As quickly as you can, you slam the (link: "knife down.")[ knife down, *praying it doesn't scratch the counter.*] You see the cockroaches guts engulf the rigid blade of the knife. Then you lift the butter knife, ensuring the cockroach is still attached, and scrub it clean, watching the decapitated little fucker circle the drain. (if: $shower is 0)[After you finish washing the dishes, you decide it is finally time to go take a [[shower]].](if: $shower is 1)[Afterwards, as you drink your coffee, you try to decide if you just want to leave the garbage where it is or take it (link: "outside.")[ outside, *since it is garbage day.*]]

You swear you've got him, but when you squeeze your fingers together, you don't hear or feel him crush. You draw the paper towel back to look inside and realize that your mission to kill him has gone astray. When you look around for him, he is nowhere to be found. Giving up, you grab your coffee and go into your (link: "bathroom")[ bathroom, *which is connected to your bedroom,*] to [[shower]].

Instinctively, you reach down for the butter knife that is laying in the sink. As soon as you pick it up, you feel how slimy and greasy it truly is. Disgusted, you want to drop it, but if you're going to kill the cockroach, it's now or never. Now to find the cockroach. You see him resting in the shadow behind the dish soap. As quickly as you can, you slam the (link: "knife down.")[ knife down, *praying it doesn't scratch the counter.*] You'd swear on your grave that you got him with the knife. Triumphant, you take a moment to gloat before you investigate your latest victim. That's when you realize he isn't on the knife. Seconds later, you see he is nowhere to be found. You missed the cockroach and, now, you can't even find him to kill him. (if: $shower is 0)[Giving up, you finish washing the dishes and you grab your coffee and go into your (link: "bathroom")[ bathroom, *which is connected to your bedroom,*] to [[shower]].](if: $shower is 1)[Afterwards, you [[sit down|sitting down]] and drink your coffee, all the while trying to decide if you just want to leave the garbage where it is or take it (link: "outside.")[ outside, *since it is garbage day.*]]

(set: $killed to it + 1)Thinking on your (link: "feet")[ feet *- or rather, your hands*], you reach down and smash the cockroach. The sensation you feel on your (link: "palm")[ palm *- the crunching of his outer shell, the oozing of his guts and the twitching of his tiny, dying legs -*] makes your skin crawl, you know you finally killed him. You turn back to the sink and wash your hands with scalding hot water, watching the cockroach's remains rinse down the drain. As soon as you feel relatively sanitized, you finish washing the dishes and you grab your coffee.](if: $shower is 0)[You then go into your (link: "bathroom")[ bathroom, *which is connected to your bedroom,*], set down your coffee on the sink and [[shower]].](if: $shower is 1)[Afterwards, [[you sit down|sitting down]] and drink your coffee, all the while trying to decide if you just want to leave the garbage where it is or take it (link: "outside.")[ outside, *since it is garbage day.*]]

As you slap your palm down on the cockroach, pain flashes up your arm. You swear you've got him, but the numbing sensation following the pain is stopping you from feeling him. You lift your hand, expecting to see guts and shell. However, all you see is your skin. You struggle to find the cockroach in his new hiding space, but to no avail. (if: $shower is 0)[Giving up, you finish washing the dishes and you grab your coffee and go into your (link: "bathroom")[ bathroom, *which is connected to your bedroom,*] to [[shower]].](if: $shower is 1)[Giving up, you finish washing the dishes. Afterwards, you sit down [[sitting down]] and drink your coffee, all the while trying to decide if you just want to leave the garbage where it is or take it (link: "outside.")[ outside, *since it is garbage day.*]]

(set: $scurries to (either: "7", "8", "9"))(set: $killed to it + 1) (if: $scurries is "7")[(goto: "bare hands Killed")] (if: $scurries is "8")[(goto: "bare hands Try Again")] (if: $scurries is "9")[(goto: "bare hands Missed")]

(set: $killed to it + 1)Thinking on your (link: "feet")[ feet *- or rather, your hands*], you reach down and smash the cockroach. The sensation you feel on your (link: "palm")[ palm *- the crunching of his outer shell, the oozing of his guts and the twitching of his tiny, dying legs -*] makes your skin crawl, you know you finally killed him. You turn back to the sink and wash your hands with scalding hot water, watching the cockroach's remains rinse down the drain. As soon as you feel relatively sanitized, you finish washing the dishes and you grab your coffee. (if: $shower is 0)[You then go into your (link: "bathroom")[ bathroom, *which is connected to your bedroom,*], set down your coffee on the sink and [[shower]].](if: $shower is 1)[Afterwards, you [[sit down|sitting down]] and drink your coffee, all the while trying to decide if you just want to leave the garbage where it is or take it (link: "outside.")[ outside, *since it is garbage day.*]]

(set: $killed to it + 1)You feel the guts ooze of the outer shell of the cockroach, right onto your palm. You'd be completely disgusted, but at least you know another detestable insect is dead. (if: $shower is 0)[You victoriously wash your hands, finish washing the dishes and, afterwards, you decide it is finally time to go take a [[shower]].](if: $shower is 1)[You finish washing the dishes. Then, afterwards, [[you sit down|sitting down]] and drink your coffee, all the while trying to decide if you just want to leave the garbage where it is or take it (link: "outside.")[ outside, *since it is garbage day.*]]

Just as your bare palm meets the counter, you see the cockroach scurry on to the next shadow. Sighing with frustration, you quickly evaluate the given situation. Obviously, the bare hand method is not going to work. Now to try using a [[piece of paper towel]] or [[the dirty butter knife in the sink]].

(set: $parking to it + 1)Since you can't stand any clutter, you decide to (link: "take out all of the garbage.")[ take out all of the garbage. *Wouldn't it be nice if your roommate would? However, it seems like he's more distracted with other things these days...*] It takes about three loads to get all of down the stairs and out of the garage, but [[you know you won't regret it later]].

After thinking about it for a few moments, you realize that you are always the one who ends up taking the garbage out. Maybe if your asshole roommate did it *now and then* it wouldn't be such a big deal. But, since he never does it, [[you'll just leave the garbage where it is]].

(set: $garbage to it +1)Refreshed and relaxed now that the trash is out of the kitchen. Since you've already taken a shower, you know that it's time to [[straighten your hair]].

Now that you've made your final decision, you realize that it is time to go [[straighten your hair]] so that you look professional on this ridiculous Monday.

(if: $heat is 0)[(set: $parking to it + 1)After your light blue straightner warms up, you run the blade through the frizzy mess that seems to have mounted itself onto the back of your head. You powder on some make up and decide it's time to [[head out the door]]!] (if: $heat is 1)[You pull the straightner through one chunk of hair before you realize that it's to fricken hot. You decide that you should have left the heat off. You unplug the straightner and double check your reflection in the mirror. Annoyed, you throw your hair up into a messy bun. Finally done getting ready for work, you [[head out the door]].]

You decide that, on your way out, you will grab the garbage and throw it in the garbage can outside. Then you finally decide it is time to [[head out the door]].

Deciding to leave the garbage behind, so that your roommate has something to do, you decide it is time to [[head out the door]].

You hop in your (link: "car")[ car*, which is warm inside your garage,*] and head to downtown Milwaukee. Now it is time to search for parking. You are hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. (if: $parking < 1)[Then you find the perfect spot. Unsure of why it is still available, you grab it right away. [[Maybe today will get better, afterall]].] (if: $parking is 1)[Then you find the perfect spot. Unsure of why it is still available, you grab it right away. [[Maybe today will get better, afterall]].] (if: $parking > 1)[As you begin searching for parking, you realize the closest spot to City Hall, where you have your internship, is over a mile away. You put on some mittens and a hat, preparing for the long journey ahead. [[You better hurry, otherwise you will be late]].]

By the end of th work day, you realize your estimate about today improving was the opposite of what happened. You rush to your car after work and drive home in a rush, [[ready to experience relief from life]].

You get to work in the nick of time. By the end of the day, you are ready [[to go home|ready to experience relief from life]].

When you get home (if: $garbage is 0)[the garbage is still piled in the kitchen, ](if: $garbage is "1")[you are relieved to see that the garbage has been taken out, ](if: $dishes is 0)[the dishes are still crammed in the sink, ](if: $dishes is 1)[there are no dirty dishes in the sink, ](if: $killed is 2)[and the cockroach is dead.](if: $killed is 1)[and the cockroach you missed is scurrying across the counter.](if: $killed is 0)[and, now, there is a cockroach running across the counter.]

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